stop this train.

life. aint it grand? it keeps moving despite the fact that you’re not really ready for it at times. its twists and turns keep you on your toes and unsure of the moving direction. i’ve always been adverse to change but change is the only constant. i’ve become so use to change that now it seems that i’m addicted to it. it’s as if my internal clock tells me that something is supposed to change roughly every 12 to 16 months because that’s what i’ve experienced. i’m at that age (or at least that is what my grandmother would tell me) where the change in direction is so common and even if your direction doesn’t change, chances are, the direction of someone close to you will change and by proximity, you also change to find a new normal. what’s strange is that i’m married now, which is a change, but he’s my new constant which won’t change. our relationship will change and grow as we go through the stages of life together but no matter where i go, he’s with me; no matter what i do, he’s there. i’m learning to embrace and love this unchanging fact of my life.

i’m reminded of psalms 139 where david sings of God’s goodness in staying with him no matter where he goes, even if it means the depths of hell. of course, my husband is not God and could not follow me to hell, but my husband’s love for me has provided me with a new revelation of God’s unending love and faithfulness to us. he is there whether we like it or not. justin and i fight but probably no more than any other newly married couple. and there are times when we fight that i just want a moment alone but he’s so insistent at a resolution. most often i’m very appreciative of how determined he is to solve things but other times i just want him to back off and give me some space. and that’s the part that's similar to where God is there whether we like it or not. justin is there when we fight whether i like it or not. and despite my stubbornness, i am so thankful.

john mayer has a song, stop this train, and he sings about how life is moving too quickly for him. today is my birthday and i turned 27. life has moved so quickly. a year from today i got engaged to the most wonderful man. during this past year, so much has happened. i am married to my constant and it’s been a joyous ride, albeit short thus far. but as i grow older and perhaps wiser, i wonder where life went. i wouldn’t want to go back to high school or relive my college days or even go back to the time when i was single. mostly i think about my childhood and how i wished it away. i wanted to be older, wiser and cooler. looking back, i wish that i had lived in the moment and fully experienced the highs and lows of being a child. life was so simple then. isn’t it funny how we wished away years of our lives to be in a different place but now need the train to slow down? the lesson is to live in the here and now and to stop doing what i did as a child. that’s what i’m attempting to do; to be content in the place in life that i’m in. i don’t want to condition myself with this internal clock of change and wish that i had a baby right now or hope for a day when justin and i move to a foreign country or even dream of when we get to retire and live off of the land because the truth is, my life is amazing! i want the train to slow down because where i’m at in the here and now is wonderful. i am so thankful for the constant love of my husband and should the Lord deem it appropriate, we will have a baby or move to a foreign country but until then, i will be content and happy for this wonderful life that the Lord has graciously given me.

stop this train by john mayer

no I'm not color blind
i know the world is black and white
try to keep an open mind but...
i just can't sleep on this tonight
stop this train I want to get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving in

i know I can't
but honestly won't someone stop this train

don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
one generation's length away
from fighting life out on my own

stop this train
i want to get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving in
i know i can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

so scared of getting older
i'm only good at being young
so i play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
had a talk with my old man
said help me understand
he said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
don't stop this train
don't for a minute change the place you're in
don't think I couldn't ever understand
i tried my hand
john, honestly we'll never stop this train

see once in a while when it's good
it'll feel like it should
and they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
and you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

singing stop this train i want to get off and go home again
i can't take this speed it's moving in
i know i can't
cause now i see i'll never stop this train