a simple woman's daybook, 05.07.11

outside my window it is a beautiful day. our windows and doors are open and the gentle breeze is flowing through our house, allowing the old to wash away. it has been a long, cold winter and i’m so thankful that we’re finally experiencing the joys of spring.

i am thinking about how much there is to do.  my list continues to go despite there not being enough hours in the day. but for this moment and for my sanity, i will write.

i am thankful for justin being home. he traveled this past week and while this is the first time in some months, my world isn’t right when he’s not here.

remembering to trust in God despite my circumstances. it’s easy for me to get wrapped up in my day-to-day and i neglect to remember that God is forever in control and there’s no need for me to be. i like to maintain control.  one day i will learn.

from the learning rooms i’m learning to be a wife. sound strange? well, this is the first time in the six months that justin and i have been married that we’re in our home by ourselves. we’ve had a guest with us for the past few months and prior to that justin was traveling. while we’ve had weekends and days here and there, it’s not the day-to-day normalcy that we’ve been able to experience. it’s a good thing that i love this man more today than i did even when i married him. i am so thankful.

from the kitchen i think i need to learn more recipes for the crock-pot. according to justin, this will make our lives easier. we’ll see. J

i am wearing my black comfy pants with a purple hoodie. it’s perfect for the brisk spring morning with all of the windows and doors open.

i am creating order in a crazy life that i have. there’s no time for fun projects like decorating various rooms in our house, which we still haven’t done since we moved in and i’m dying to do, or working on our wedding album, which is still sitting in a pile somewhere. but i am maintaining my sanity and that is quite a feat right now.  and believe me, it takes some creativity on my end to strike that balance.

i am going to start waking up early to exercise. if you know me, you know this is quite a challenge. since justin will likely read this, yes, babe, i will start waking up early. there are usually plans in the evening and if there isn’t, there is little motivation to do much after a long, hard day of work. i. will. do. this.

i am reading tatiana de rosnay’s book, sarah’s key. i’m always fascinated by holocaust stories but obviously it’s never easy. while i’m not too far in, this story is no different – it’s a tough read. and some of you will be proud to know that i’ve not read the end yet – don’t get me wrong, it will likely happen but i should be given some credit for the restraint that i’ve demonstrated to this point!

i am hoping for a lot of things right now. change mostly. sorry, folks, that’s all your getting on this world wide web.

i am hearing birds chirp, the hum of cars passing, justin making comments here and there and the mumford & sons pandora station. bliss.

around the house i see flowers. J my husband knew that i had a really hard week last week and i came home to a lovely bouquet of flowers. the flowers are nearly dead now but i’ve not thrown them out because it just makes me happy to even see dead flowers because it reminds me that he’s here and cares. sappy, i know.

one of my favorite things is california pizza kitchen’s bbq chopped salad with avacado. with having had such a hectic week, justin and i called and order some cpk grub and brought it back home to enjoy in the comfort of our own home. sweet simplicities.

pondering the issue of the death penalty. heavy, i know. the chris coleman case wrapped up this week and the jury decided that he is eligible for the death penalty. this case hit a little closer to home as he attended the church that i went to for a period. while i never knew him, i have friends who do and it’s strange to think that a friend of a friend (or used to be friend) would be capable of doing something like this. i have followed this case closer than most others because of this obscure connection and it has raised many questions in my mind but more recently that of the death penalty. i’ve never really had a strong opinion either way on the topic because i can argue on both sides. for me, there’s a constant struggle between “an eye for an eye” and judgment being the Lord’s. chris coleman, if he did kill his wife and 2 sons in a premeditated fashion, is the very reason why states have the death penalty. there are only a few other crimes that are more heinous than this and that makes me think that this man is very just and deserving of such a punishment. but ultimately, i believe that his punishment from the Lord, apart from true repentance, is far greater than anything that we could ever imagine – a life apart from God. but how do we reconcile that of earthly and eternal judgment? it’s a good thing that i’m not God. His ways are better than mine…

a few plans for the rest of the week include insanity at work, dinner with an old friend and beginning my early morning work outs – say a prayer as i’ll need it! ;) 

analyze and process

i process things in a different way. first of all, i always analyze. it’s what i do and who i am. it’s how my brain works and for the most part, it’s a great thing. however, sometimes when i analyze i am a verbal processor, other times i’m an internal processor and finally i can be a written processor. the written processor in me is really why i decided to blog because it forces me to sit down and share with you what is on my mind. sometimes when i write something, i don’t realize that i think or feel something until it’s on paper (or in this case, a screen). isn’t that strange? but this written processor in me has seen it happen so often.

i love looking back over journals that i kept through my teenage years and review my own process of self discovery. through this process, i see a teenage girl who had a crush on so and so or made a big deal about something that i wanted to do but my parents wouldn’t let me and so on. but then there were gems of revelation/wisdom that i experienced and wrote about. these moments i can now review and remember with such clarity. the sad thing is, often times i’m still learning the same lesson or discovering anew the same thing that i discovered 10 or 15 years ago.

i don’t journal anymore. i got really sick of the word “i”. “i did this today…” or “i want…”. i felt so self absorbed. rarely did i write about the needs of others or ponder the world’s greatest issues like: starvation, lack of water, proper education for all or politics and how it impacts my life on a daily basis. i’m sure there aren’t many teenagers who would write about those things. but i wonder if i did keep a journal now, would i think about these things and analyze them? unfortunately, the honest truth is, it probably still wouldn’t happen.

all that said, this blog probably won’t be an avenue to explore my thoughts on the great plights of the world but I would anticipate it being less ego-centric than my journal as a teenager. i hope to share with you the little gems of wisdom that i will probably learn while writing the blog. more than anything though, i hope to stop for more than two seconds and reflect on the things going on around me and not move at lightning speed while missing all of the beautiful things that the Lord has so completely blessed me with. so there’s that. i’m doing this for me and not you. as a result, we can all confirm that i am, in fact, more ego-centric than i would like to think (i just realized that while writing). the end.

i thought the blog needed a picture and i feel like this creature today.

a simple woman's daybook, 03.05.11

this is me, can't you tell?

i follow a friend's blog that uses this format for some of her updates and i really enjoy it. it gives you a peak into one's world that one doesn't often think to write about. i'm terrible at updating people on my life and thought that this might be an opportunity to update the masses, or at least those who care to read, at one time. enjoy.

outside my window it is a dreary day with temperatures having plummeted in the last 24 hours. there is little movement outside despite the fact that it is a saturday afternoon. inside i'm looking at my husband who types away at his own computer doing what accountants do, whatever that is, while i sit drinking pg tips, which just warms my soul (thank you, rebekah nadia). 

i am thinking about God's provisions for my life and am just so grateful. we just received our tax return and my husband is diligently planning how to best spend this money while considering what we should give back. i married a gem with this one. 

i am thankful for friends and family. the past three months have been very difficult. i'm recently married which is a huge adjustment and during this time justin traveled more than he was at home. furthermore, a family emergency has presented us with many challenges that has caused a lot of stress in our household. despite these things, our friends and family has provided us with so much love and support that has truly carried us to a more peaceful place. i am so thankful. 

remembering to be more diligent in maintaining a healthy balance in life. since the wedding, we really haven't been able to get into a routine. justin leaves and i find a routine. justin comes home and we sorta find a routine only for him to leave again. now he's home and home to stay for some time (yay!) and i'm eager to start maintaining this healthy life that we so desperately need. this includes but not limited to: better eating, daily exercise, reading the bible and praying more.

from the learning rooms i'm trying to relearn how to be a better friend. at one point long ago, i was a great friend and something happened where my life got so incredibly busy that i wasn't able to stop long enough to realize that someone needed someone and that someone should or could be me. somewhere along the way i looked up and realized that the depths of my relationships weren't where i would want them to be. i want it to be where you live life with that person through the ugly, good, bad, sad and celebratory. 

from the kitchen i'm also learning. i'm decent but lack creativity. i feel like the only meat i know how to cook with is chicken. we eat a lot of chicken. and i'm scared to venture out to other meats for fear that i'll ruin it. i guess i need to be ok with failing. we'll add that to our next entry for the "from the learning rooms" section. however, i have learned that the crock pot is probably the best invention since sliced bread. no joke. 

i am wearing my black comfy pants with my university of ottawa hoodie that rachy rach gave me. it's the perfect outfit for a cold loungy day. 

i am creating some fun events at the zoo! right now i'm working on all of my spring/summer events and every year despite most of the events being the same year after year, i'm met with new challenges that keep my job interesting. also, part of my healthy living should include me playing the piano more frequently. i find that this is my most creative outlet that i often neglect. i'm not great but one thing that i absolutely love is to just sit down and start making melodies that i'll never remember to play again. each time i play it is something different and beautiful. it's for no one else except for me and the Lord. it's our time together. 

i am going to europe this summer! my brothers being half way across the world are paving the way for justin and i to come visit and the more i think about it the more excited i get. i haven't been back to europe since i studied there in 2004 and i'm just itching to go back. and the fortuitous thing is that i think the trip will start in my beloved spain! my brothers are set on running with the bulls and they have gotten justin on board with the idea. great. i'll just go sit at a cafe in a plaza, which every spanish town has, and watch people as they go about their day... my absolute favorite! plus, it will give me the needed distraction from my husband being chased by this monstrous animal that weighs on average 2,000 pounds. never mind the fact it's not just one of these animals but nearly a dozen or more!  

i am reading jodi picoult's new book, house rules. of course i've read the end, it's what i do, and i don't like how it ends. now i'm struggling with whether or not i should continue reading it. the book is about this teenager who has autism/asperger's. if nothing else, i've really been convicted on the use of the term 'retard', which i will never ever use again to describe a person even in jest. 

i am hoping to be able to start running more seriously again. i took a hiatus due to the craziness of life but i feel like such a slouch lately. it. must. change. period. 

i am hearing the new mumford and sons album. i'm obsessed. if you haven't listened to them, you must. i jumped on the bandwagon at the same time as everyone else after they preformed on the grammy's and there is extreme talent, folks. also, i've been listening to misty edward's cd, relentless. it's an album that never leaves my cd player but lately i've just been listening to the radio and my heart starting craving this little gem again. 

around the house i see cleanliness! my mom and i cleaned this pigsty of a home all day long yesterday and now i am happy to say that i can walk around barefoot and the soles of my feet aren't black at the end of the day. it's the simple things in life that keep us smiling. however, there are some projects around the house that could use my attention like the linen closet that is a huge cluster right now or perhaps i should start tackling that beast of a basement that just seems to collect more and more things that don't belong to me or maybe i should just keep drinking pg tips and listening to mumford and sons. hmmm.... decisions.

   

one of my favorite things is spending a saturday afternoon on the couch and just relaxing. this is my way to rejuvenate when life is so challenging. i love this.  

pondering this bumper sticker on a car that often parks near our house that reads, "worship your faith not your politics". justin and i argued about this earlier and it amazed me that we felt differently on the topic. of course for me, i'm not worshipping my faith but the person and God that gives me faith. i don't worship christianity, i worship Jesus. however, i know what the bumper sticker is getting at and it bothers me. our faith, regardless of what it is or isn't, will impact our political opinions and as they should. justin, however, argued that we can't legislate morality, which i agree with but only to an extent. we should always have laws that prevent murders and in the same way, i believe we should have laws that prevent abortion. my view of this has been largely shaped by my faith and i'm 100% ok with that and i don't think that is wrong. do i think that the church, if it were doing it's job, laws wouldn't need to be enforced as readily? to an extent, absolutely. without God in our government, i fear what levels of immorality our society would reach. i pray we never find out.  

a few plans for the rest of the week include a busy week at work, beginning tomorrow with an event, and ending with taking my cousin braden for the weekend. i'm thrilled to be hanging with this little guy that is turning into a big guy! he will be 9 in june and that's just crazy to me. it seems like yesterday i was holding this beautiful baby as he continuously puked on my shirt. he's one of four now and i'm eager to give him some one-on-one that i rarely get. i think we will go to the city museum and justin wants to play catch with him. the baseball player in my husband will never die. i love it. 

stop this train.

life. aint it grand? it keeps moving despite the fact that you’re not really ready for it at times. its twists and turns keep you on your toes and unsure of the moving direction. i’ve always been adverse to change but change is the only constant. i’ve become so use to change that now it seems that i’m addicted to it. it’s as if my internal clock tells me that something is supposed to change roughly every 12 to 16 months because that’s what i’ve experienced. i’m at that age (or at least that is what my grandmother would tell me) where the change in direction is so common and even if your direction doesn’t change, chances are, the direction of someone close to you will change and by proximity, you also change to find a new normal. what’s strange is that i’m married now, which is a change, but he’s my new constant which won’t change. our relationship will change and grow as we go through the stages of life together but no matter where i go, he’s with me; no matter what i do, he’s there. i’m learning to embrace and love this unchanging fact of my life.

i’m reminded of psalms 139 where david sings of God’s goodness in staying with him no matter where he goes, even if it means the depths of hell. of course, my husband is not God and could not follow me to hell, but my husband’s love for me has provided me with a new revelation of God’s unending love and faithfulness to us. he is there whether we like it or not. justin and i fight but probably no more than any other newly married couple. and there are times when we fight that i just want a moment alone but he’s so insistent at a resolution. most often i’m very appreciative of how determined he is to solve things but other times i just want him to back off and give me some space. and that’s the part that's similar to where God is there whether we like it or not. justin is there when we fight whether i like it or not. and despite my stubbornness, i am so thankful.

john mayer has a song, stop this train, and he sings about how life is moving too quickly for him. today is my birthday and i turned 27. life has moved so quickly. a year from today i got engaged to the most wonderful man. during this past year, so much has happened. i am married to my constant and it’s been a joyous ride, albeit short thus far. but as i grow older and perhaps wiser, i wonder where life went. i wouldn’t want to go back to high school or relive my college days or even go back to the time when i was single. mostly i think about my childhood and how i wished it away. i wanted to be older, wiser and cooler. looking back, i wish that i had lived in the moment and fully experienced the highs and lows of being a child. life was so simple then. isn’t it funny how we wished away years of our lives to be in a different place but now need the train to slow down? the lesson is to live in the here and now and to stop doing what i did as a child. that’s what i’m attempting to do; to be content in the place in life that i’m in. i don’t want to condition myself with this internal clock of change and wish that i had a baby right now or hope for a day when justin and i move to a foreign country or even dream of when we get to retire and live off of the land because the truth is, my life is amazing! i want the train to slow down because where i’m at in the here and now is wonderful. i am so thankful for the constant love of my husband and should the Lord deem it appropriate, we will have a baby or move to a foreign country but until then, i will be content and happy for this wonderful life that the Lord has graciously given me.

stop this train by john mayer

no I'm not color blind
i know the world is black and white
try to keep an open mind but...
i just can't sleep on this tonight
stop this train I want to get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving in

i know I can't
but honestly won't someone stop this train

don't know how else to say it, don't want to see my parents go
one generation's length away
from fighting life out on my own

stop this train
i want to get off and go home again
i can't take the speed it's moving in
i know i can't but honestly won't someone stop this train

so scared of getting older
i'm only good at being young
so i play the numbers game to find away to say that life has just begun
had a talk with my old man
said help me understand
he said turn 68, you'll renegotiate
don't stop this train
don't for a minute change the place you're in
don't think I couldn't ever understand
i tried my hand
john, honestly we'll never stop this train

see once in a while when it's good
it'll feel like it should
and they're all still around
and you're still safe and sound
and you don't miss a thing
'til you cry when you're driving away in the dark.

singing stop this train i want to get off and go home again
i can't take this speed it's moving in
i know i can't
cause now i see i'll never stop this train